Fantasies

People have all kinds of fantasies. To be another person, to have their dream job, to be with the person they most desire. Hot sex or a tasty dinner. I've had a thousand fantasies - people, jobs, university degrees. Some of my most powerful ones involve living a life without my anxiety. To just keep being myself but be free of my anxiety and panic disorders. To be able to experience things normally and not have to be afraid of myself, and not be able to know if I can trust my own emotions and instincts because they're being overridden by panic.

That's my ultimate fantasy. I know it will never happen, there's no cure for anxiety disorder. You can learn to manage it, cope with it and adapt to it, but it will never go away. I already know that, that's why it's a fantasy. But I would give that fantasy up and every other one I have ever had, if I could just get the one I have now fulfilled.

She's been gone six days and I haven't been able to talk to her for the last two. They took away her laptop when she first got there and two days ago they took away her phone. I don't know what's going on with her, I don't know what she's doing or how she's feeling. It's killing me. I can write to her and she'll get the letters, but I can't tell her this right now because I know she's in there suffering too. While I'm here dwelling on the pain with nothing to do, she's out there being bombarded with god knows what and having to cope with the pain. I'm sure it's just as hard for her as it is for me, so I can't tell her how I feel right now.

But my most precious fantasy at the moment? I'm sitting here in my bedroom, the sun's shining outdoors but I don't have the energy to get up and do anything. But I hear the click of the gate and look outside, and she's standing there, opening the gate. Smiling at me and in a few minutes, I'm in her arms again. I don't know why or how, but for some reason she's home and come to stay home. She came back for me. I can actually picture her face standing on the other side of the gate, a half-smile on her lips and her eyes looking at me, and only me. A whole world in them, just for me.

It breaks my heart a little bit more every moment that it doesn't happen. I'm so afraid that something in there will change her mind and she won't come home for me like she said she would. I can't do this long-term and I can hardly even cope now. It's the waiting that I hate the most. The uncertainty.

My dog just wondered happily over to the gate as I'm sitting in my room writing this... I seriously got this massive surge right through me as though it was happening, she was at the gate and my dog was going to greet her. As if writing about it would somehow just make it happen. It's pathetic.

I miss her and I want our life back. I don't want her there and I need her to come home, but I'm worried that that won't be what she needs when they do let her talk to me again. I'm so worried about so many things and can't do anything about any of it. I try and believe that everything happens for a reason, but I just wish I knew why this was happening now. It's the waiting that I hate the most...