So as you may or may not know, the GF and I have been involved in the kink scene overseas in Devon in the United Kingdom and have recently put out our tendrils into the scene back at home, in Sydney. We're into many things, including bondage, impact play and a D/s dynamic (though we switch) but we are also really into playing with other people.
My girlfriend and I are non-monogamous. I hesitate to call us polyamorous, not only because neither of us identify as polyamorous but also because we will only play with other people together, and not separately. It's just not strictly monogamy. However, being a same sex female couple in the kink world is a little limiting. We encounter two main problems - guys idealizing us and but also more general problems in the kink community in general.
We're mainly active on our FetLife account - if you haven't heard of it, it's one of the biggest kink websites that exists and is pretty much the Facebook of the kink world. As a girl, you get enough unwanted attention from creepy males that are just attracted to FetLife because in their eyes, it's an easy way to get some kinky sex, not a website designed to bring those interested in a specific lifestyle together. As a same sex attracted female, you get messages from guys thinking you have set your sexual preferences to "gay" or "queer" as a way to fulfill their fantasy to score with a lesbian. As a same sex attracted female couple, you get every single one of these kind of messages plus a thousand other kinds. Here was one message I got this week...
"hey im byron hows things with you? hope your weekends bringing some excitment. so anyways im a switch i was a sub for years but enjoy the dom roll more these days but being a sub still gets me nice and hard lol. anyways i was wondering if it would be conciderable for you and your other gal to have a session with me as me being the sub? one thing iv never done was having two woman dominate me and make me there little sex fuck toy lol. anyway il send you a request if your interested id like to chat..."
And on the GF's account...
"I know you particularly asked for females but I'd like to express my interest if you two ever decide you'd like a man involved for a threeway! You could finally let me have a British girl. Always wanted to have one and just haven't had the chance."
I should clarify that we both specify that we aren't looking for male play partners and identify as gay or queer on our profiles, and have our relationship displayed on our profiles as well. But we still get males wanting us to dominate them, or to dominate us together. We get guys wanting to "fuck a hot pair of lesbians" and we get guys wanting to take us shoe shopping as part of their foot fetish. On one hand, it does come with the terrority but on the other hand, some of the things men say to me on the website I don't think anyone would ever say to anyone's face.
One guy once sent me a message with the title "hello sub". The message text literally just said "i am looing for a playmate", with no hello or introduction to who he was. A quick glance at his profile told me everything I needed to know, basically that he was "young dom looking for slaves to play with and have them fill my desires". So I messaged him back that he should learn to spell before they let him out of kindergarten, and he simply replied "Forget I asked subs should watch there mouth."
A quick crash in D/s relationships: Domination and submission involves not only consent from both parties, but enjoyment as well. The submissive gets just as much enjoyment out of their submission as the one that Dominates them. Submission is generally seen as a very special and precious thing, to be given to the right person under the right circumstances, and only ever with full consent and trust in the person Dominating them. It has nothing to do with submissives fulfilling every desire of a Dominant. And as a queer female, it has nothing to do with me fulfilling the fantasies of every man wanting to score with a lesbian. God, sometimes it's not even that. Sometimes they just want to watch the GF and I and think that somehow they are doing me a favour by agreeing to watch.
I am not anti-men, not in any way. Some of my closest friends are male, especially seeing as I have never had that many female friends. I live with a guy, I'm close to my father and my brother. But some of the things that men have said to me on that website give me little faith in humanity.
There are many upsides though. We have made ever-lasting queer friendly friends on there, and met other play partners that we explored many things with. The good does make up for the bad, or we wouldn't stay there. However, there are deeper problems that we find in the kink community that have very little to do with men objectifying us.
For all the bisexuality, pansexuality and polyamory on the website, so far I have found the experience overwhelmingly heteronormative. I have seen plenty of other experiences that are different to mine, so maybe it's the scene in Sydney or my own approach, but all I can speak from is my own personal experience. We have played with heterosexual couples before, but it is very hard to find a heterosexual couple that understands that the GF and I only want to play with the female of the couple and not the male, although we have absolutely no problem with him playing with his partner during or watching us during. It is also never the female that approaches us, it is always, always her partner that messages us first and spends the majority of the time talking to us and arranging details with us.
Ninety-nine percent of the messages I send to other girls (who identify as gay, queer, bisexual or pansexual) are never returned. And if they ever have a male partner or play partner, he will reply ninety-nine percent of the time. In some D/s relationships, a girl will not message anyone else without the consent of her partner or Dominant, and in others their profile may just not be active. Girls do get an overwhelming number of messages on FetLife, so they may just be in the habit of not replying, but on the rare occasions that I get a message from another girl, I know that I always get really excited and reply immediately. But in the three years that I have been on the site, I have only ever once met up with a girl on the website without her male partner arranging the meeting for her.
Short of meeting up with guys that want us to dominate me, watch me modelling a pair of shoes or putting things inside them while my girlfriend watches, we have much more limited opportunities to explore our kinks than heterosexual couples. It makes me sad but on the other hand, it just makes me want to try so much harder to get out there and attract the interest of that hot little blonde standing over by the e-bar waiting for me to send her a flirty message...
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