When You're Queer And Doing The Distance

So way back when, to that dark hole that was February when my girlfriend had just joined up for the Defence Force, I Googled tips for how to cope in long distance relationships, how to cope being a military wife, how to cope being a gay military wife, how to cope when she's away, how to [insert variation on a theme here]. There's a lot of material out there, most of it ridiculous and most of it seriously unhelpful. Articles on long distance relationships didn't tell me how to cope when they had taken her phone and I had no way to contact her, and searches on how to survive being a gay military wife resulted in several pages of news articles about the treatment of gay spouses by the US Defence Force. Searching for "how to cope when she's away" ended up with two types of results: articles for straight men or how to cope when your mother dies. Neither of those made me feel better.

Long distance sucks. I'm not going to try and tell you it's fun, or enjoyable, and definitely not that it's easy. But what I will tell you is that it's worth it. Or more accurately, she is worth it. You know she is, or you wouldn't be reading this. So here's a few tips from me on how I've survived the last few months. If you're straight or male, these might apply just as much, or less than, I'm not sure - but they can't hurt!

How to survive in a queer long distance relationship:

1. Never forget that she loves you. No seriously, stop looking out the window and ignoring me. Don't forget it. It will make it that tiny bit easier for you to get on with your day to day life.
2. Make sure that you are both getting the level of communication that you both need. Some people need less communication, some need more. If there's a mismatch between you, neither of you might even realise it, so make sure you both know where you are at and how much both of you needs individually in terms of talking every day, and in general.
3. Get a hobby. Yea, I still haven't followed through with this one, but I can imagine it would make it a lot easier if I did...
4. If you don't get a new hobby, at least focus more on your work or school. Immerse yourself in it. Swim in a pool of whatever it is that you do. It will help you be distracted for a while.
5. Work out which way you prefer to receive and give affection - either physically or with words. Sometimes you prefer both, but there is usually one that trumps the other. Ask her which one she prefers. Make sure you tell her which one you do. If she needs you to tell her how you feel more, but you're used to expressing your affection physically (this is especially hard for long distance), then go the extra mile and make sure you tell her how you feel about her. If you need more physical reminders of your relationship but she's not giving them to you, you only need ask. She won't read your mind if you don't.
6. Send her something stupid in the mail. Not some big bunch of flowers or expensive chocolates, go to your local supermarket and buy the stupidest thing you can see there that will make her laugh, and go and post it to her. I once sent my girlfriend a pair of baby socks and a wooden spoon. Don't ask why.
7. Send her a big bunch of flowers.
8. Do something crazy for yourself. Dye your hair, get a tattoo, pierce your eyebrow. Do something crazy and don't tell her, save it for a surprise for when you next see her. It's really hard to keep it a secret, but trust me, her reaction will be worth it! Unless she hates it, which could be awkward.
9. Count down the days to when you next see her. It's a fun game. Bug your roommate and friends with it, their continuing exasperated reactions will amuse you until she's next home.
10. Have an endgame. To me, this is the most important point. I know very few long distance relationships that survived indefinitely. It doesn't matter if the endgame is in six months, or two years, but you need to have a stage in the future where you both know you will be together. Don't talk about it right at the start of your relationship or right after she goes away, it's impossible to make a decision about right away. But eventually it is something that will make the long distance easier and your relationship stronger.